Teamed up with a couple of brewers and I got me my very own beer. Its Bastard strong and Bunny brilliant. Available now in discerning pubs where ale is real and beards don’t come with stupid tight trousers. Its proper proper, my friends.
So I don’t knows how I got this big. And I don’t knows how I got stuck up Big Ben (that’s the clock not our local postie – who is coincidentally big and called Ben). But here is a movie style poster of a recent incident involving me in Westminster. And yes, it is the season of the magical mushroom. And yes, everything is full of slightly mutated colours. And yes, I am drinking a pint which could fill a swimming pool. Aces.
People says I ain’t technological. Wot with me giant paws and last century Nokia phone that I got free with a packet of cornflakes.
Well, people can be wrong. I recently acquired meself an iPad which some fool had left on a table in a shop. Argos of all places.
And much more than that. I got one of me Polska boys to design me an App. And its an App which I think all of you’s out there can benefit from.
The Backtrack App. Tells you what you gonna do before you goes and does it.
Let me explain.
Take a typical Friday night. The type of night that can go either way. Devil or deep blue sea. Lover or hater.
So at the start of night I enters me variables into me App. Pints of Stella:8. Wraps of Speed:1. Is that annoying tosser, Darren, in the pub.? Yes he is. Darren:1.
Then I press a button and see the outcome. Ten minutes past midnight. There’s me with a baseball bat kicking Darren’s fuggin door down.
Result. Good night.
But what if I wants to push it a bit further. Pints of Stella:12. Wraps of speed:2. Darren:1. And press the button.
OK. There’s me being thrown into the back of a rozzer van. Didn’t kill Darren apparently. Kicked the wrong fuggin door in.
And there you have it. Use me Backtrack App at the start of the evening and I can choose between giving Darren the good old pasting he deserves or pushing it too far and spending the night in clinky.
So what am I gonna do this Friday?
Gonna leave me App at home and start off with 15 pints of Stella. Coz I is a rabbit of mystery.