Found me old porn stash today. Can’t tell you where, I’m afraid. Ok, I can. Stuffed in the waste bag of Selina’s stand-by vacuum cleaner. Last place she’d look.

Truth is it’s the last place I’d look as well. Hadn’t seen them or the aforementioned hoover in years. Tripped over the fucker in the middle of the night when I accidentally went for a piss in the storage cupboard. But that’s another story.

Anyways, it’s been a long time since me and me tapes spent some time together. So I’m sitting here drumming (my fingers!!) waiting for Selina to go out. To the nail bar. To her mum’s. Anywhere!

And she’s taking her bloody time. Knows something’s up. At last the front door bangs shut and she’s gone. But I knows she suspicious, so I wait. Sure enough, 3 minutes later, she’s back. Forgot her lipstick. Well my lipstick is still firmly in me pants which are definitely not yet round me ankles.

There’s no second chances with Selina so this time when the door bangs shut I know she’s gone out proper. Belt off, pants down and a hop, skip and jump to the TV. Old taped friends in me paws. Pet Shop Pussy, I have missed you.

Then, guess wot? Of course you’ve guessed it. We’ve no longer got a fuggin VHS player. Swapped it down the pub ages back for some snide smokes. Bollocks.

Self pleasure sure ain’t wot it used to be.