In this weather it ain’t no fun being fat and furry. And I ain’t about to join no gym. Or, much much worse, cut down on me tucker especially now I’m in the process of developing the ultimate Bastard Burger.

So I’ve taken radical and direct action. I’ve shaved me fur off. And this reveals to the world quite a lot about me. Oh yus. Its reveals me rather fine collection of tattoos.

Let me take you on a short tour. Right shoulder. Arrow through the heart. When I first met Selina. Yup, she was carrying an offensive weapon. Rather primitive in those days. Now its mace.

The right bicep charts me ups and me downs with Selina. I calls this ink the ‘Its on, its off, its on, its off, its on…..maybe.”

Down the right forearm. ‘MUMMY’S BOY’. In memory of Ma Bunny. And me time at sea.

And ‘DOWN HERE GIRLS’. In memory of a stag nite in Blackpool. Don’t ask wot I got above me arse in memory of a stag nite in Brighton. I said don’t ask!!

That’s the short tour. I’ll give you the full tour some other time. Suffice to say I had a spot of gardening leave in clink in El Salvador. An interesting experience. “Un placer conocerle, señor Cabrón.” As they say over there.