Here’s a little known fact that Fast Gerald the Tortoise told me down the boozer the other day. Sausages were invited by the Romans. Around AD400 apparently. It was the sausage that powered the Roman Legions to pillage and sodomise several continents. Splendid!!

In more recent times it was the sausage that powered the ICF and similar majestic footballing outfits to take the ends of less sartorially elegant firms the world over. The sausage made us what we are today. That’s what the Romans did for us, people.

So why the fuck are our prized local boozers being taken over by ponced up gastropubs offering the likes of ‘A perigord bratwusrt sitting on a castle of potato cakes afloat in a sea of red onion jus. Sourced locally.’ ? Thank you the Prince Percy. I’ve a good mind to come down to yours and stuff a toad right up your ‘definitely not sourced from round here’ hole. Buggered by a Bratwurst. The Romans would have approved.