Lettuce? No!!

Carrots? No!!

Watercress? No!!

People, please forget everything that anyone has ever told you about what rabbits like to eat. It’s all bullshit.

Because rabbits love potatoes! Ideally deep fried. But baked or boiled are definitely OK. Any cooking method is good really except mashed. Mash gets caught in me whiskers.

The rabbit’s love of potatoes goes back to the old days. When we lived in burrows. Under the ground.

Your average rabbit is actually a lazy punter and in those times you couldn’t dial a delivery. So what do you do? You reach up into your ceiling and pull down a potato or two. Have yerself a decent meal and carry on waiting for TV to be invented.

Now we’s in modern times things have got a lot better. The rabbit strolls into his local chippie on his way to, or from, the pub (or both!) and it’s an Aladdin’s cave of potato delights.

Personally, I’ve always been a big fan of the curried chip. Very big up North. A carton of curried chips goes down a treat with a battered sausage or a battered burger. Chippy dippy sauce.

I also used to be bang up for a scallop. Not the poncey shell fish. No.  What I mean is the deep fried wedge of potato covered in crispy batter. Around 400 Cal each and over 50% saturated fat so I’m informed by Fast Gerald’s calorie counting phone app.

Glorious. But it’s hard to find a decent scallop in a chippie these days. Which is a shame given those impressive stats.

Anyways, if you’re cooking some scram for a special rabbit friend this weekend, I strongly recommend you base your menu around the potato. Go big on chips or, even better, potato wedges. You’ll have one very happy rabbit on your hands and that’s a result we all want.

And now I’m feeling extremely hungry. I’m off down me own local chippie – the Fat Friar’s Fryer. Aces.

Meet Selina’s Uncle Bernie. From Birmingham. We’re going up there this weekend for a family ‘do’.

The family ‘do’ is Uncle Bernie’s grandson’s Bernitzvah. The kid is also called Bernie. You see what’s going on here yet?

Years back people joked that Uncle Bernie’s brummie accent made him sound more like Bernie Bernie than Bernie Bunny (a pretty stupid fucking name in itself).

Being the prize tosspot that he is, Uncle Bernie took the joke to the ultimate comedy extreme. He changed the family name by deed poll from Bunny to Bernie. And then called all his children Bernie.

Three generations later there’s a lot Bernie Bernies hopping around the West Midlands.

So this weekend is about instructing Bernie junior in all things Bernie. A tour of Berningham! A meal in a Berni Inn (remember the 1970s pub restaurant chain set up by 2 Welsh Italians? I don’t either). A hymn to the recently deceased Nolan Sister, Bernie.

Then, for the finale, Uncle Bernie does his standup comedy act. A tribute to Bernard Manning. Yes, really. Christ on a Bike!!

So my advice to all and sundry is to avoid Birmingham this weekend. Otherwise you run the risk of bumping into a load of fat racist rabbits eating Black Forest Gateau and telling crap jokes about their mothers in laws.

Unfortunately I am forced to go. Just don’t let one of those clowns call me Bastard Bernie!!

AT LAST we’ve had a good summer.

But not as good as the summer of 1976 apparently. Or so say all the oldsters down the boozer. The ones who fought in several world wars. Proper wars as they call em.

So I was a very young buck back in 76. But I don’t remember it being all that. Hot maybe, but wot was really going on?

I asked me mate, Fast Gerald, to do some checking.

(For those out there who don’t know Fast Gerald, he’s the tortoise with the tardis shell. It currently houses most of the internet servers that connect Walthamstow to the worldwide web. But was previously used for some major import/export capers. Which is why Gerald is currently out on a tag.).

Anyways, these are Fast Gerald’s facts about summer 76.

– Yes it was hot. On July 3rd 1976 temperatures reached over 96 degrees Fahrenheit.

– It was not the summer of punk. Anarchy in the UK was not released till November 1976. Elton John and Kiki Dee ‘Don’t Go Breaking My Heart’ was the summer no 1 topping the charts for 6 weeks.

– Cricket, the West Indies beat England  3-0 in the test series and retained the Wisden Trophy.

– Inflation reached 17%.

– The summer of 76 led to the winter of discontent and mass industrial action.

– There were riots in Notting Hill.

OK, the discontent and the riots sound quite promising. But apart from that, it all looked pretty average to me. Therefore I is looking forward to the summer of 77 and some bangin’ tunes.

Oh we’re so pretty. Oh so pretty we’re vacant.