It might surprise you to know that I was gutted when good ol’ Hugo Chavez, President of  Venezuela, kicked the bucket.  “Oi, Bastard Bunny.” I hear you shout. “He was an arsing Socialist and there ain’t nothing you hate more that an arsing Socialist”.  And you’d be right there. Yes he was and, yes, I hate ‘em.

But revolutionary politics aside, the man was a friggin genius. He put the tracksuit back on the map in South America for the larger, more rounded gentleman . OK,  Maradona has done his bit but you never know what body weight that raj will be carrying one day from the next. And Chavez weren’t no sportsman. He was the friggin’ President.

And even better, it  looks like Nicolas Maduro is going to follow suit. Literally. That’s his successor to those of you who ain’t clued up on South American political shenanigans.  Nicolas is a big round punter, that’s for sure.

So come on David Cameron. If you want my vote, get yourself Chavez’d up. Because if you don’t, you know Boris will.

Although he’s a Dirty Red I’ve always had a grudging respect for Rio Ferdinand.  Starts his career on a drunk driving rap. Builds it up with some very hot n spicy after match party shenanigans.  Kidnaps and nearly kills David Beckham for his World Cup Wind Up TV show. Yup, right before a World Cup!! And recently just,  he refuses an England gig to go commentate on the very game in some country that’s very foreign. Got to respect the man. Takes personal PR back to the stone ages where it belongs.

So it pains me to read this week that while Madonna is provoking ‘a mutiny in Malawi’ (Daily Mail April 13^th), accused by the country’s President of ’exploiting her aid work for personal publicity’ and ’of making the poor dance for her’, Rio is held up as a bastion of doing the right thing.

“ (while)Madonna believes she deserves to be treated differently from other visiting foreigners, it is worth making her aware that Malawi has hosted many international stars including Chick Norris, Bono, David James, Rio Ferdinand and Gary Neville who have never demanded state attention or decorum despite their equally dazzling stature.”

C’mon, Rio mate. Get back on your game.

People say hangovers get worse the older you get.  As a professional Justin Inbiber of the alcoholic beverages I say bollocks.!! These mugs are amateurs. They point to shite like pressures of work, having a family, or chronic liver disease.  Again bollocks. I do the same work now as I’ve ever done, got more kids than you can shake a stick at, and have LFTs (Liver Function Testings) to die for. Literally. But I do NOT get hangovers like I used to.

That’s because I’m now older and wiser. When I was younger I used to drink Snakebite, Babysham and Brandy and Thunderbird wine. Sometimes in the same glass. Awful hangover. Lasted for days. At weekends I moved onto cocktails like the BB patented Bloody Stupid (vodka and cough syrup). Sometimes didn’t wake up for days. Or woke up in the slammer. Awful hangover. An’ I was always propelled by cheap speed. Awful hangover.

Then I took a good, hard look at myself. And thought I’m good at this. I could be a professional.  A professional athlete in fact. And professional athletes do things properly. They train hard. They have a plan and stick to it. I’ve trained hard. And now I’ve got myself a plan.  Here it is.

• Start the day the way you mean to go on.  With special strength lager. The breakfast of champions.
• Have many locals. Always within a 5 min walk of each other. If you have a row in one, you can get to another without breaking your stride. And not piss yourself on the way.
• Have a day job that is compatible with your life’s calling. This allows you to train while you work. Meaning you can spend a good part of every day in the pub. Postie, aristocrat, drug dealer or student are all good for starters.
• Practice at home.  Constantly. And keep your practice space clear.  Kids live with their mothers. Whoever they are wherever they are.
• Pace yourself.  A session is a marathon not a sprint. And marathons go on for hours.
• Learn lessons from other endurance sports like cycling. You’re never going to be best in show without access to top of the range prohibited drugs.
• When the going gets tough, the tough keep going. As we say in the trade – you stop when you drop.

Heed these wise words, people. Hangovers are for losers.  Be a Bastard Bunny, a Baden Powell or a Lance Armstrong. Be prepared. Always.