There was some arse punter down the local the other day what fancies himself as a bit of the intellect. Reads the Daily Mail.  He was congratulating me on starting  this here blog. “Didn’t know you could even write like, Bastard.” he says. So I fronted the cocksucker. “You calling me illegitimate?”  “Nah, mate. I’m paying you a compliment. You got a hidden talent, mate. Like an idiot savant.” “An idiot savant? An idiot fucking savant? You calling me a thick as shit antiseptic cream?”  So I bit the twat hard on his hooter (they never expect that!).  “Not so thick now am I, tosspot?” I says as blood gushes down his coupon.  “Better get yourself some of that antiseptic cream.”

Good evening i’m from Essex in case you couldn’t tell. My given name is Dickie, I come from Billerica and I’m doing very well.

Had a love affair with Nina in the back of my Cortina, a seasoned up hyena could not have been more obscener. She took me to the cleaners and other misdemeanours but I got right up between her rum and her Ribena. Well, you ask Joyce and Vicki if candy-floss is sticky. I’m not a blinking thicky. I’m Billericay Dickie and i’m doing very well.

I bought a lot of brandy. when I was courting Sandy. Took eight to make her randy and all I had was shandy. Another thing with Sandy what often came in handy was passing her a ‘Mandy’ she didn’t half go bandy. So you ask Joyce and Vicki if I ever took the mickey.  I’m not a flipping thicky

I’m billeicay dickie and I’m doing very well.

I’d rondez-vouez with Janet quite near the Isle of Thanet.  She looked more like a gannet, she wasn’t half a prannet. Her mother tried to ban it. Her father helped me plan it, and when I captured Janet she bruised her pomegranet. So you ask Joyce and Vickiif i ever shaped up tricky. I’m not a blooming thicky

I’m Billericay Dickie and I’m doing very well.

You should never hold a candle if you don’t know where it’s been The jackpot is in the handle on a normal fruit machine. So you ask Joyce and Vicki who’s their brickie. I’m not a common thicky. I’m Billericay Dickie and I’m doing very well.

I know a lovely old toe-rag obliging and noblesse kindly, charming shag from Shoeburyness.  My given name is Dickie. I come from Billericay. I thought you’d never guess. So you ask Joyce and Vicki, a pair of squeaky chickies. I’m not a flaming thicky I’m Billericay Dickie and I’m doing very well.

Oh golly, oh gosh come and lie on the couch with a nice bit of posh from Burnham-on-Crouch. My given name is Dickie, I come from Billericay

and I ain’t a sloutch. So you ask Joyce and Vicki about Billericay Dickie. I ain’t an effin’ thicky, you ask Joyce and Vicki and I’m doing very well.

Respect to the Ian Dury. Don’t write ‘em like that anymore. Nuff said.

Was reading about the Countess of ‘Wemyss and March’  (no I ain’t got a friggin clue where that is either).  According to that noble newsayer, The Daily Mail…“The crackpot countess (who drills holes in her head to get high) is using £550,000 of YOUR cash to prove magic mushrooms are healthy”.  Back of the net.

OK, the Aristos have always been into drugs related causes. Usually their own. There’s always some Eton educated Tarquin or Esmeralda spunking their golden spooned inheritance in some inner city crack or smack den.  What else they gonna do with their oversized inbred craniums?

But the Countess, she’s genius. When it comes to drug research she says ‘I have always considered myself my own best laboratory’. And now she’s teamed up with some scientist cove, Professor David Nutt, to run a joint research programme funded to the tune of £550,000 by the Medical Research Council. You couldn’t make it up. Professor Nutt! £550,000 grant!!

Countess, big bunny respect. My mate Toot Toucan has just borrowed the Black n Decker, drilled a hole in his head and been taken kickin’ and bleedin’ to A&E. Despite what he thinks, you can bet your tiara he ain’t gonna get a half million pound grant!!