People say hangovers get worse the older you get.  As a professional Justin Inbiber of the alcoholic beverages I say bollocks.!! These mugs are amateurs. They point to shite like pressures of work, having a family, or chronic liver disease.  Again bollocks. I do the same work now as I’ve ever done, got more kids than you can shake a stick at, and have LFTs (Liver Function Testings) to die for. Literally. But I do NOT get hangovers like I used to.

That’s because I’m now older and wiser. When I was younger I used to drink Snakebite, Babysham and Brandy and Thunderbird wine. Sometimes in the same glass. Awful hangover. Lasted for days. At weekends I moved onto cocktails like the BB patented Bloody Stupid (vodka and cough syrup). Sometimes didn’t wake up for days. Or woke up in the slammer. Awful hangover. An’ I was always propelled by cheap speed. Awful hangover.

Then I took a good, hard look at myself. And thought I’m good at this. I could be a professional.  A professional athlete in fact. And professional athletes do things properly. They train hard. They have a plan and stick to it. I’ve trained hard. And now I’ve got myself a plan.  Here it is.

• Start the day the way you mean to go on.  With special strength lager. The breakfast of champions.
• Have many locals. Always within a 5 min walk of each other. If you have a row in one, you can get to another without breaking your stride. And not piss yourself on the way.
• Have a day job that is compatible with your life’s calling. This allows you to train while you work. Meaning you can spend a good part of every day in the pub. Postie, aristocrat, drug dealer or student are all good for starters.
• Practice at home.  Constantly. And keep your practice space clear.  Kids live with their mothers. Whoever they are wherever they are.
• Pace yourself.  A session is a marathon not a sprint. And marathons go on for hours.
• Learn lessons from other endurance sports like cycling. You’re never going to be best in show without access to top of the range prohibited drugs.
• When the going gets tough, the tough keep going. As we say in the trade – you stop when you drop.

Heed these wise words, people. Hangovers are for losers.  Be a Bastard Bunny, a Baden Powell or a Lance Armstrong. Be prepared. Always.