Meet Selina’s Uncle Bernie. From Birmingham. We’re going up there this weekend for a family ‘do’.

The family ‘do’ is Uncle Bernie’s grandson’s Bernitzvah. The kid is also called Bernie. You see what’s going on here yet?

Years back people joked that Uncle Bernie’s brummie accent made him sound more like Bernie Bernie than Bernie Bunny (a pretty stupid fucking name in itself).

Being the prize tosspot that he is, Uncle Bernie took the joke to the ultimate comedy extreme. He changed the family name by deed poll from Bunny to Bernie. And then called all his children Bernie.

Three generations later there’s a lot Bernie Bernies hopping around the West Midlands.

So this weekend is about instructing Bernie junior in all things Bernie. A tour of Berningham! A meal in a Berni Inn (remember the 1970s pub restaurant chain set up by 2 Welsh Italians? I don’t either). A hymn to the recently deceased Nolan Sister, Bernie.

Then, for the finale, Uncle Bernie does his standup comedy act. A tribute to Bernard Manning. Yes, really. Christ on a Bike!!

So my advice to all and sundry is to avoid Birmingham this weekend. Otherwise you run the risk of bumping into a load of fat racist rabbits eating Black Forest Gateau and telling crap jokes about their mothers in laws.

Unfortunately I am forced to go. Just don’t let one of those clowns call me Bastard Bernie!!