People says I ain’t technological.  Wot with me giant paws and last century Nokia phone that I got  free with a packet of cornflakes.

Well, people can be wrong. I recently acquired meself an iPad which some fool had left on a table in a shop. Argos of all places.

And much more than that. I got one of me Polska boys to design me an App. And its an App which I think all of you’s out there can benefit from.

The Backtrack App. Tells you what you gonna do before you goes and does it.

Let me explain.

Take a typical Friday night. The type of night that can go either way. Devil or deep blue sea. Lover or hater.

So at the start of night I enters me variables into me App. Pints of Stella:8. Wraps of Speed:1. Is that annoying tosser, Darren,  in the pub.? Yes he is. Darren:1.

Then I press a button and see the outcome. Ten minutes past midnight. There’s me with a baseball bat kicking Darren’s fuggin door down.

Result. Good night.

But what if I wants to push it a bit further.  Pints of Stella:12. Wraps of speed:2. Darren:1.  And press the button.

OK. There’s me being thrown into the back of a rozzer van. Didn’t kill Darren apparently. Kicked the wrong fuggin door in.

And there you have it. Use me Backtrack App at the start of the evening and I can choose between giving Darren the good old pasting he deserves or pushing it too far and spending the night in clinky.

So what am I gonna do this Friday?

Gonna leave me App at home and start off with 15 pints of Stella. Coz I is a rabbit of mystery.